I’ve been thinking about writing this blog post for a while now, but the thought of putting myself out there and being real, raw, and vulnerable lately was just something I couldn’t do. We all struggle sometimes with things and when I write about it, it become even more real because I share it with all of you. What’s ironic about this is I love sharing it, but only when I’m ready to do so.
Last night in my planner/journal I wrote down these words on my To Do list for today. IG → Consistency.
The day was finally here. I was going to open up to you guys and tell you why I so badly struggle with being consistent for you guys and why I want to change that.
Well let me tell you, it’s funny how God works. He must have wanted me to write what was on my heart because I woke up this morning, went on Instagram, and something told me to check my messages. Not my messages from the people who I follow and know. Nope, the message requests. Something I hardly ever do, but so badly need to get better at. When I opened the first message I saw this…
First off, I am sorry for the profanity. If I blurred it out, you wouldn’t get the same effect of what I read as the first thing when I woke up this morning.
THIS, this is why I struggle with consistency for not only my followers, but also myself. Now, I will be the first one to admit that I am fully aware that when you put yourself out there on social media, not everyone is going to like you. Shoot, not everyone is going to like you in real life, and that’s okay!
What is not okay is internet trolls, and that is what you people are, sitting behind a computer trying to make other people feel bad about themselves, and try to put them down. I am, and have always been, a very positive person, but I am not perfect. And I most certainly do not need someone else to point out my flaws for me, because chances are, I’m already aware of them.
If you’ve been following me for a while now, you know that she is actually in fact right. I, at one point in college, did have an eating disorder. But, that has not been the case for over 4 years. I am happy and healthy. I, just like I always have, carry my weight very well. I’m almost 5’11” for crying out loud. I could gain 5, 10, probably even 15 pounds and you probably wouldn’t be able to notice it. I’m sorry if that means that I’m anorexic in your head.
Secondly, Target is my favorite place on earth and I’m not even going to entertain that comment. Even if I was Kim Kardashian rich, I would still go to Target. If you don’t like my style, that’s fine. Unfollow me. I love it! And the 11.4 thousand other people that follow me on Instagram love it too 😉
When I read these messages from this girl my heart sank. I started to feel bad about myself and think all of these terrible things about me. But you know what, that’s exactly what she wanted me to do, and I for one was NOT going to let her get me.
I quickly started to laugh at it. Why do you ask? Because this was a sign for me. I had written those words IG → Consistency so many times on my To Do list. I never crossed it off and I never did it. Today I am doing it.
Another major reason why I struggle with social media is because of this comment right here. “You’re perfect”. This comment makes me feel so uncomfortable. If you know me you know that I literally can not take a compliment. My grandma has told me for years, just shut up and take it. So I do. I stay quiet and just say thank you so much!
I really do appreciate the comment and the thought, however it makes me feel uncomfortable because I know I am not perfect. I know that I contour my nose with makeup because I hate my nose. I know that I’ve gotten highlights in my hair since I was three, yes three, to make me have lighter hair. I know that I know how to dress myself and when I have gained some weight, I disguise it. I know all of these things and more. I know I’m not perfect and I never want someone to think that I am and compare themselves to me.
To help you better understand this let me paint you a picture. I’m a giant. A tall, blonde, blue eye girl. People just notice me in a crowd because I’m like the jolly green giant. You can’t miss me. And I typically have heels on too. Real smart Amanda. Let’s just make yourself taller. But I can’t help it, I love heels. I love how they make me feel. Empowered. Important. Like I matter. Anyways, before I go on to explain to you why I have so many pairs of shoes, lets keep painting.
My whole life people have judged me for the way I looked. They’ve judged me to the point that when they saw me they expected me to be someone and then when they met me they actually said to me, “Wow, you are not who I thought you would be. I thought you were going to be a b*tch.” …. Thank you? What do you say to that? Is that a compliment or an insult? Who knows, and honestly who cares at this point.
People judge a book by it’s cover. That’s just what we do. That is what guys do. Which brings me to the focal point of this painting. Imagine this. Just a girl and her best friends out somewhere. One girl getting more male attention. The others getting upset. The girls saying something to this girl and trying to make themselves feel better by putting her down.
This right here my friends, is the story of my life. I wish it wasn’t. But it is. I often times wish I could change the way I look. I call my mom sometimes crying and say this, and she quickly tells me to stop saying that because God could choose to at any moment in time make this a reality. I know she’s right. So I’m going to use my pain as a voice.
Stop apologizing to people for simply being you.
Stop letting them control so much of the way you feel.
Stop putting others feelings before yours if you are in fact the one that needs healing and needs to be lifted up because you are having a bad day.
What these girls and people don’t know is I don’t want the attention. I hate it.
I will never apologize for my victories. I will never purposely not dress the way I want to, to make you feel better, because chances are… I’m wearing that makeup because it makes me feel better about myself. I’m wearing that sweater because I love it and it makes me feel good in my own skin. I will never apologize for that. But I will NEVER put you down for feeling the way you do. I will never put you down because I know far too well how that feels.
I’m just a girl who hasn’t had many closet girlfriends on her time on earth. But that’s okay. I have you reading this from a far. I have my amazing family. My sweet girl friends that understand me. I have Jesus. But most importantly, I have me! I know who I am. I know that all of the pain that others have caused me, I’m going to do my very best to use it to empower other people.
So the next time you think about sending me a nasty message, just remember this. Your comments are not welcome here. If you don’t like what I have to say hit the ‘unfollow’ button. If you aren’t going to help make the internet a better place that is your problem and not mine. I may just clap back and write a whole blog post about you and how you make me feel.
Just remember this. Empowered women, empower women.
So let’s make women feel great about themselves. Women are amazing. They just need some reminders sometimes about how amazing they truly are.
I love you guys.
Amanda Kay Hoke 